As I lay in bed tonight after what was actually a pretty smooth shift for me, I shed quite a few tears. Maybe it’s fatigue. Maybe it’s burnout. Maybe it’s God just wringing out the towel of my heart that’s dried so many tears of grieving families this year. So. Many. Tears..

Now, before the words “Covid-19” or “Coronavirus” or “Pandemic” start flashing in your heads, consider this. Picture this. A family, completely healthy (not possible right?), a grandma playing with her grandchildren. She has a little headache that grows stronger and stronger as the day goes on, leading her into the ER. A hemorrhagic stroke that will later lead a restricted number of loved ones who even get to say goodbye to her. No medical history of predisposing factors.

Now picture this, a wife, completely healthy (nope. not in 2020 right?), finishing cleaning up the kitchen after the dinner she just made. She heads into the bedroom because something doesn’t seem right to her. She feels a little off. She collapses. Cardiac arrest, later deemed medically brain dead. No medical history of predisposing factors.

Now what if you picture this, an elderly man, completely healthy (nah, he’s probably got undiagnosed Covid-19), having a stomach ache that just won’t go away with some rest and ginger ale. Feeling a little dizzy, some runny stools leading him to the ER. Esophageal varices and a GI bleed with a hemoglobin level of 5, borderline hypovolemic shock requiring immediate blood transfusions and potent vasopressors. No medical history of predisposing factors or lifestyle behaviors explaining this diagnosis.

But why?

They were safe.

They quarantined.

They wore their mask.

They social distanced.

They washed their hands.

They don’t have any underlying conditions or comorbidities.

They don’t smoke or drink.

They eat right.

They exercise.

They. Were. Healthy.

I’ve worked in the ICU for about a year now. I’ve seen many deaths related to Covid. But I’ve seen many completely unrelated to Covid, too.

Don’t misunderstand me, Covid is real. Be smart. Follow the guidelines. Obey the law.

We’re not meant to know everything. We’re not meant to understand everything. It won’t all make sense. Sometimes none of it does.

Here’s what I know. Not a single person on this earth is guaranteed tomorrow. Covid or nonCovid. Pandemic or no pandemic. Covid (+) or Covid (-).

I’ve had many people text, call, or ask me in person my opinions and/or my advice. As a nurse, here is my advice:

LOVE.

I won’t tell you how. The government makes the policies and regulations, I don’t. You know what you’re comfortable with. You know the rules. You decide.

But please, LOVE.

Write a letter.

Call.

Text.

FaceTime.

Stand outside a window holding a sign.

Send pictures.

You wanna hug your mom? Hug.

You wanna kiss your spouse? Kiss.

Cheers.

Send a postcard.

Send flowers.

Send candy.

Drop off some Tylenol and water/Pedialyte on a doorstep.

Send a care package.

Say a prayer.

Be comfortable with how you choose to show your love but please find a way to show it. Whatever form that may be.

The most common phrase I hear from loved ones when they’re watching their loved one slip away peacefully is, “I wish I would’ve...”

I’m gonna leave the last part blank.

Not just because I’ve heard many different endings to that phrase, but because only you know what you’d wish you would’ve. Ask your self this question. If it was your loved one, in that very same position tomorrow, what would you wish you would’ve? Told them you loved them? Hugged them? Forgiven them? Not held that grudge? Whatever it is, do it.

Love.

For anyone who has lost, is currently losing, or may lose someone this year, I pray for you. I cry with you. I grieve with you. I love for you.

Maybe what I hold on to is not what you hold on to and that is okay, but if anyone wonders what I hold on to in order to remain strong as a nurse on the frontlines of not just Covid, but the ICU, the hospital, health care or even just life in general, here it is:

“From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I” ~Psalm 61:2

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” ~Lamentations 3:22-23

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” ~Jeremiah 29:11

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” ~Psalm 34:18

Stay safe.

Be smart.

But, don’t forget to LOVE

-Holly E